LONG post about becoming a surrogate

I know that when I first starting thinking about becoming a surrogate I looked online and found some helpful blogs from other women who had gone through it.  It was really nice to read though their experiences and to know what to expect.  I decided for my own journal I wanted to write down the process of becoming a surrogate, what it involves, and what questions I get asked and things I get told all the time.

When I was pregnant with Collin I read this article http://www.geneticsandsociety.org/article.php?id=4026  - I remember it was one of the main stories on MSN.  It was published on April 7, 2008, and Collin was born almost 2 months later.  After I read that story, 20/20 happened to be doing a program about two women who were surrogates.  It gave a better understanding about what was going to be expected.  I went to the temple soon after I read the article and saw the program and while I was there I kept thinking about being a surrogate.  I just wanted to learn more- find out what how the church felt about it, what the laws were, how it would really affect our family.

People ask me all the time "Why did you decide to become a surrogate?  Did you know someone who couldn't get pregnant?"  I wasn't ever planning on helping someone I knew.  I decided to becoming a surrogate after years of thought and prayer and felt that it was something I could do, and wanted to do.  I wanted to help someone have a baby of their own.  Sometimes people will say, "So you just decided you could do it so you did it?"  Kind of like- why did you buy that shirt?  Just cause you could?  It's so much deeper then "just because I could" but that's the only way to explain how I felt about it.  It was the right time and the right thing for Chase and I to do.  So yes, I did it because I could, but also because I felt like it was something I was supposed to do.

Another thing people will often say is- "The couple should be looking into adoption, not paying someone to have their own baby."  I usually try to change the subject on this as well- again, it is not for me to decide if the couple wanted to adopt or have their own child.  I personally can understand their decision to have their own child.  I guess I felt like people would say this to me as if to say- YOU are the reason they are not adopting.  Which I don't agree with, they would have just found another women to be a surrogate for them.

Chase and I talked to our bishop before we got matched to talk about the churches stand.  After reading though the handbook with the bishop we were told that the "church strongly discourages surrogacy" (I wish I had the handbook to give more from it, but I don't.)  The main problems the handbook talked about were 1-Traditional surrogacy is when the women carrying the baby has donated her egg, which leads to the second problem 2- the fact that there is a child who is partly yours and that causes issues as far as the child being born under the covenant and sealings.  These were not part of what I was choosing to do as I was being a Gestational Surrogate- which means that the baby (in our case) is 100% genetically the Intended Parents'.  That was something else that I felt very strongly about- I wanted to carry for a couple that was using embryos that were 100% theirs.  In the end- both the handbook and the bishop told us that it was a decision that needed to be made between the husband, wife, and the Lord.

After I got pregnant with Collin I felt very strongly that we were supposed to have another baby soon after we had Collin.  I had that feeling through my whole pregnancy.  So after having Collin I just put surrogacy in the back of my mind to bring about again when it was better timing for us.  We had Landon 22 months later, and after we had him Chase and I started talking again about me being a surrogate.  I looked up different agencies and contacted the directors to ask more questions.

My biggest question was "How long does it usually take- being matched to the transfer to the baby being born."  I was told it could take up to a year to get matched, then 4-6 months before the transfer, and then the full term pregnancy.  So we were looking at giving up to 2 + years before even being able to talk about having another one of our own baby.  I didn't feel that strong feeling that we were supposed to have another one right away.  I feel like this is one of the harder things to explain, although to be honest I feel that the decision to have more kids is for Chase and I and the Lord, and I shouldn't have to explain why we are having kids so quickly, or why we are taking a short break.  I don't mind people asking about that, I just hope they don't judge me.  I feel that each family should know what they can handle and if the Lord is involved in the decision it will be for the best.
Once Landon was 6 months old I was able to submit a profile to the surrogate agency.  They put it with all their other profiles and once they get a couple who is interested they will e-mail your profile to them.  The agency I worked with did not ever show me a profile unless the couple had shown interest in me first and wanted me to see their profile.  The BIGGEST issue I had was on my profile they ask "If there was a genetic disability found and the Intended Parents wanted to terminate the pregnancy, would you be willing to do so?"  There was actually 2 or 3 questions about this, all phrased differently- "If you got pregnant with more then 2 babies would you be willing to reduce the number you are carrying?" things like that.  I answered no to any question that was like that.  For the first year, Oct 2010 to about Oct 2011, I interviewed with 6 different couples.  After each interview I would talk with the director at the agency.  And each time the director would mention-almost in passing- "oh, by the way, this couple wants to be able to terminate if there are any problems..."  I would have to stop her and say, "Ok, then I feel like I can't work with this couple."  So we would move onto the next couple.  Finally I told the director "I was hoping to be matched by now and it hasn't happened because I keep getting interviews with couples that want to terminate.  This isn't what I expected and I need to take a break from interviewing.  Please remove my profile."
On May 7, 2012 I received an e-mail from the director at the agency asking if I was still available and interested she had a couple that needed a carrier.  I wrote her back after talking with Chase and told her that we would like to see the profile.  She sent it right away and Chase and I read it together.  We were both very impressed with the couple and felt right away that this was the couple we had been waiting for.  I wrote back and said we would like to help them, and by the end of the month I had flown out to California to meet the couple and soon after started all the medications that go with the transfer.


While the money associated with surrogacy is not one of the reasons we chose to do this, I often get asked about how it works. You can find on any agency's site how much you would get paid.  It depends on the agency, the couple, how many babies you are having, along with other things.  The agency I am with handles the money part very well; everything goes through a lawyer who wires any funds for doctor visits, medications, lawyer fees, monthly allowance, pretty much anything that has to do with the pregnancy, into a bank account.  The couple was required to put all the money into an account before the transfer so there was no chance that I would have the babies and then the couple say "we don't have enough money".  
We also have a lawyer who is working with us to make sure all the important stuff is taken care of.  There are several laws regarding surrogacy in Utah that have to be met so that the couple can legally claim the babies as their children and that the parents' names will appear on the birth certificates.  The main laws include:
1. I have to be over 21
2. I have to be married
3. I have to have had at least one successful pregnancy
4. I can't be on any state welfare programs
5. The babies can not be genetically related to me or Chase in any way

There are other laws, but those are the main ones that apply to me.  Each state has different laws, so having a lawyer was a necessity.  


There was a lot of medications.  I started with one small shot in my side every day.  I could give that to myself, along with two pills.  By the end- 4 months or so- I was taking one LARGE shot every day, and twice a week I took two EXTRA LARGE shots.  I was also taking 4 pills a day by the end.  I would try to call one of the many nurses in my ward to give me the shot- it seemed to hurt less when they gave it.  But Chase and my mom were great at helping me get the shots and we got through it.  It's really hard for people to understand how much it hurts and what it does to your body as far as leaving huge lumps where you get the shots unless they have done it.  I had to use heat wraps and lots of pressure to help with the pain after getting the shot, but there was still a lot of pain.  I was very happy to be done with all the shots and pills when I was 10 weeks along.  I think that, plus the fact it was twins, added a lot to my non-energy and sickness.  Once I started feeling better then everything was really pretty good from there.

I didn't have much contact with the parents during this time- they were back and forth from California to China and other places- and so we mostly just e-mailed.  They came out for their first visit in November and told us over and over again how much they loved the area we lived in and our home.  They said they could tell that there was something different about our family.  They kept telling us how lucky their children were to be nurtured and loved in this environment.  It was a very neat experience.  They have been able to come out one other time in January.  Other than that we have just been e-mailing.  They are amazing people and will be the most wonderful parents.

Other questions people will ask is "How are you going to be able to give up these babies?  Don't you think it's going to be hard?"  I haven't been worried about this at all- I feel so peaceful about this.  I am so excited to see the parent's be able to hold their baby boy's after years and years of waiting.  I know that I can (and will) have another baby.  It's funny- either people are REALLY worried about how I will feel or it doesn't seem to even occur to them.  There isn't anything I can say to the people who are worried about it to make them feel better.  They just keep telling me "It's going to be harder than you think.  You need to have someone you can talk to after the babies are born."  I feel like I have people in my family I can talk to if I feel that I need it and I have my boys to keep me busy.  I feel very strongly that the Lord would not give me the peace I have felt though this whole experience, only to take it away after these boys are born and leave me on my own.  I know that I will have moments where I will struggle with hormones changing after having the babies.  But I know that I will have people here in my family and the Lord to help me through those times.  I have never felt that I have wanted to keep these babies- they are not mine to keep.  It's as simple as that.  I don't feel like I am a bad person who doesn't have feelings because I don't want to keep the babies.  I feel a love for these babies that is different than what I feel for my children, but it's also different than what I feel for like a nephew or niece.  It's a love that I can't explain.  I am just lucky enough to be the reason they were able to grow and get here to be with their family.

I decided to write this post now because I'd like to write another one after the babies are born, but it will probably be a few weeks or more after I have the babies before I write that one.